Like many people, I feel that a house is not complete without houseplants. I have somewhere between twenty and thirty, but they tend to die because I’m pretty hopeless about looking after them. My houseplants are so neglected that spiders live inside the pots and run out in surprise when I water them.

So I forget to care for them and they die of dehydration and I go to the garden centre for new ones and buy them fancy china planters as compensation for being brought home to live with me, but of course a pretty purple pot won’t actually protect them, and a pot, however pretty, containing a dead maidenhair fern … well, unless you aspire to have it shown at the Tate as a work of art, forget it. It’s sad and ugly and that’s that.

Actually, I’ve discovered that a dead maidenhair fern can be resurrected if you toss it out into the garden and forget about it. Provided the temperature isn’t too extreme and you get a decent amount of rain, eventually it will sprout new growth and you can marvel over it, brush off the dead stalks and bring it back inside and you’ll probably remember it long enough for it to look pretty good before the cycle of neglect begins all over again. My record with one maidenhair fern stands at four resurrections, the current unfortunate specimen being at the tentative frond among brown crispy leaves stage.

Most of my houseplants live - or should I say ‘exist’ - in the conservatory and over time I’ve learned that if a plant survives more than a month in a particular position, I’d better not move it. Thus my sweetheart vine, for instance, is permanently located in the righthand corner where the conservatory meets the house.

The sweetheart vine is interesting. Despite my history with houseplants, I have had this one in my possession for over twenty-seven years. Yes, that IS a long time, isn’t it? It was presented to me by my Other Half on the birth of our first son and it has consistently failed to die. I regard it with a lot of affection - possibly more for it’s survival attributes than for the occasion on which it was given to me. I’ve even re-potted it twice, which is usually the kiss of death when it’s me doing it, and I’m actually beginning to have a superstitious dread about the damn thing. It’s positively unnatural that it thrives in my house. Will I wake one morning and find it sickening, only to discover that my eldest born has been struck down with some nameless fever? I almost feel I need to touch wood every time I pass by.

So anyway. I now have a short-list - a VERY short list - of plants which can survive in my .. uh .. ‘care’, which I will share with you in the hope that anyone else out there with my extremely non-green fingers may benefit.

Prayer plants are tough little buggers. I’ve even pulled clumps of leaves out by accident, dropped them in the pot and had them grow roots. Wow. I didn’t know they did that!

Geraniums are very hard to kill, even by dehydration, so are spider plants and succulents like kalanchoes. I don’t much like kalanchoes, but I usually have one or two simply because I can.

Swiss cheese plants may sulk and throw out a ton of air roots to trip you up on your way past - possibly in desperate supplication - but they do survive a lot of abuse.

Yuccas are bloody-minded too. They’ll try to have your eye out on occasion, but they survive.

The humble tradescantia. It’s nothing short of amazing what these things put up with, from sporadic watering to being scorched by the sun and tortured by dogs* and they’re actually rather pretty.

I have also learned that if you put African violets on a north facing windowsill, they really DO rise from the dead and thrive! It’s quite stunning. My friends actually thought mine was an artificial plant because it looked so good - which was a great surprise to them since it was in my house!

But don’t bother with Lucky Bamboo. It’s enchantingly pretty when you first place it lovingly in the dining room, but neglect to keep the water topped up and it will soon turn into Unlucky Stick.

*Tradescantia is not terribly toxic but does produce an irritating sap. My dogs just knock bunches of leaves off and trample them, but if yours might chew or eat it, put it somewhere they can’t reach. Actually, quite a lot of houseplants are toxic to pets so it’s worth checking this page out to avoid trouble - Plants toxic to dogs.