I’m having flashbacks today. It’s all The Goth Mom’s fault, because she did a piece about bullying and suddenly I’m ten years old and the only kids who will talk to me are the other ‘outcasts’.
What was my crime? I’d just been moved out from an inner London primary to a small village school. My accent was different, my clothes were different, I didn’t know the local slang, I was at a different stage in almost every lesson, and boy, did I suffer for it.
There was a children’s home in the next village for short-term fostering and respite care, and these kids, these other outcasts, were friends with me because I was one of the few who would talk the them. We got pushed around a lot by the village kids, but I learned a valuable lesson, because when I passed the necessary ’11 Plus’ exam and was accepted at the Girls’ High School, one of the bullies – who was also destined to attend this lofty institution – suddenly wanted to be buddies. I hung out with her gratefully, but did I consider her a friend? No, of course not, because I knew it was pure self-interest.
Things got worse. At the new school, my outcast status continued. Why this time? Who knows. Maybe it was because I struggled with the lessons and never had quite the right uniform. Maybe I just wasn’t very nice when I was that age – or maybe I had a sign on my forehead which said ‘Pick on me – I make a great victim!’ but the result was not just ‘outcast’ status, but systematic and very demoralising bullying. It wasn’t physical – no-one hit me or tore my clothes or anything like that, but my tormentors would do things like refuse to touch anything I’d touched. They whispered behind my back. They uttered vague but terrifying threats. They constantly did their best to trick me into getting into trouble with the teachers – and sometimes succeeded. And they played endless and very unpleasant practical jokes.
I never told my parents, because my brother was also being bullied at his school, in a much more serious and physical way, and I guess I didn’t feel that what I was suffering was bullying at all. I remember quite clearly a kindly teacher taking me aside one day and asking me if everything was alright, and I said yes, everything was fine.
What I experienced is nothing compared to what some go through, but damage was done, because it caused me to leave school as soon as possible, with few qualifications, and it left my self-confidence so dented that it has really only recovered fully in the last decade, and that’s a whole lot of years to waste.
Many kids suffer so much more. Some are physically injured, some threaten suicide, and some actually do kill themselves, and I’m very concerned that many schools are not succeeding in stopping it, despite having strong anti-bullying policies. But you know, it isn’t only up to the schools – it starts at home, with parents instilling self-confidence and respect for others in their offspring, and maybe this is where things are breaking down.
So what can we do? How can we protect our children? What works?
A rather wonderful Cambridgeshire lady has just won the Daily Mail’s Inspirational Woman of the Year Award. Carrie Herbert is the founder of The Red Balloon, an initiative to help bullied children to recover and continue their education in special learner centres. As a charity, it is outside the official system, and it succeeds – for some – where the mainstream educational system fails. Why? Is it just numbers? A willingness to think outside the box?
Whatever it is, I’m left with two conflicting emotions.
1) I’m thinking how wonderful this venture is, and how marvellous that it’s helping to save the sanity of these kids and release their potential.
2) I’m depressed that such a thing is necessary, and that it is able to reach so very few.
wow Jay, I am so sorry.
My younger brother was a slow learner and had to take extra classes to keep up his reading and writing. Other kids in the neighborhood would tease him as he also was born with a cleft lip and palate, so he was marked from the start. I spent a few years running them down and making those boys eat dirt for their smart mouths.
I would have been your freind. as I am now.
Dawns last blog post..Blooming Maple
you are so right in saying: it starts at home. everything starts at home. some parents are just not interested in parenting. they want everyone else to do it….you have to watch your kids at home and stop behavior that you don’t like and let them know it won’t be tolerated outside the home either. i’m afraid of schools today, the kids are just freaking evil.
Naturals last blog post..But I Can’t Feel Anything – Does Using Plastic Desensitize the Act of Spending Money
You can blame it on me as well, as I was the one who inspired HER post, LOL. I do have to disagree with one thing you said, though: I fail to see how the victim of a bully is at all responsible, or his/her parnets. Maybe oyu meant that it would be preventative for the bullies themselves? Because my son, the victim about which I wrote, was one of the most confident, outgoing, kind individuals there are-until he started getting his ass kicked. How is that in any way my fault as a parent?
Koris last blog post..Is it Wednesday?
Dawn – you’re very sweet! And good for you for standing up for your little bro.
Natural – I sometimes despair, watching parents with their kids. I can’t tell you the language I’ve heard directed at toddlers, and the behaviour I’ve seen ignored, or even condoned. But there are still some great kids about. I try to keep a sense of perspective.
Kori – hello and welcome!
Sorry, I didn’t make it very clear – I did mean the parents of bullies. It seems that many become bullies through low self esteem, or because they have a crappy home life. Some are victims of bullying themselves. It seems to me that if we raise our kids to be confident in themselves and respectful of others, then whatever problems they meet in school, they won’t feel the need to bully others.
One of my sons was bullied too. He went from being an incredible happy, bright and cheerful kid to a near suicidal teen with such low self-esteem, it was unbelievable. Thankfully, he’s come out the other side and is now once more happy and confident. Hopefully, this will be true for your son too.
Yeah, okay, I totally agree with that, and thanks for clarifying for me. I understand the feelings of powerlessness and rage that kids/adults who bully feel; I totally get that. But the difference is dealing with it or lashing out against the world, and it makes me so sad that anyone has to feel that way. That doesn’t mean I condone or excuse the behavior, though, which I think is the true key. I would like to think this is an isolated incident, but given some other issues going on with Sam, I don’t think it is.
Koris last blog post..Is it Wednesday?
It’s awesome how one person can trigger a snowfall into a storm
. Every person who has something to say, every person who raises a voice makes a difference in the life of someone. Congrats Kori, you started an avalanche, and thank you Jay, for helping it pick up speed.
jts last blog post..Little things that piss me off
And you have hit right there on one of my favorite things to expound upon: that one person really can make a difference, and if enough “one” people get together, great and amazing things can and do happen.
Koris last blog post..Is it Wednesday?
Oh, this just breaks my heart. I chimed in over at GothMom’s site (love her!) on this subject. I don’t have kids, but it’s struck me that one of the saddest things is that kids don’t tell their parents for various reasons or they tell them but don’t want the parent to get involved for fear of making things worse.
I’m so sorry you missed out on some quality years. I have to believe that bullies are pretty unhappy themselves and grow up to be miserable.
JD at I Do Thingss last blog post..I Am a Redhead so you don’t have to be
Kori and JT – yeah, never underestimate the power of many single voices shouting out together!
JD – You know, the only way to look at it is – as my son now says – it’s made him a tougher and wiser person than he would otherwise have been. I like to think it’s made me more thoughtful and compassionate. I hope so.
Every experience that we have shapes us in some way.I’m not saying that being bullied is a good thing – far from it – but we can learn, and we can take something positive even from that.
Wow, Jay! Not very good school memories, huh? I wasn’t picked on in school, but I was very shy. I witnessed several people who were constantly bullied. Wonder how they are doing today? Very sad.
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. I hope you’ve pulled through it a wiser and more understanding person. Have a good evening!
darlas last blog post..Bored? Do you need Something to Do?
Darla – Thanks. I often wonder how these people are doing today. I wonder what I would do if their names appeared on Friends Reunited. Part of me would love to contact them and ask them how their life went, most of me would probably just not want to have any contact with them at all.
This brought tears to my eyes, Jay … not only for what you suffered but for what kids suffer along these lines every day in school. Nothing has changed.
And also for what I suffered. We were constantly moving, and I was always entering a new school after the year had started and everyone had their assigned seat. Always the new girl. I didn’t know anyone and I was probably not easy to like or get to know. Once in the lunch line a girl behind me, without warning, grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. She had me practically on the ground before she let go. No one said or did a thing.
Consequently I hated school … not because I didn’t like learning, but because I never got the hang of it socially. I never belonged. Now, age 51 and looking back, I think it actually did me more good than harm in the long run. I retreated to books, where I learned about life and language and the magic of reading and writing. I might not have done that if I had been popular and protected. But back then it didn’t seem that way.
You are so right about parents instilling values — and defense mechanisms — in their children. And I think schools should adopt a zero-tolerance approach to any kind of bullying by students — verbal, physical, or any other kind. And they should supervise better, and make sure every kid has someone they can talk to.
Great, great post as usual, Jay. You inspire me!
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Jenny – thanks so much for your kind comment! I’m sorry you went through this too. Interesting that you say you retreated into books. Maybe that’s partly why I’m such an avid reader too? Fantasy and escapism can be a life saver.
Jay. Oh my god, this gave me goosebumps. I moved from a private school to the local comprehensive and suffered much the same as you. A lot of the decisions I make now regarding my own children reflect the situation I found myself in then. My sympathies, girl. I think it affects you forever in that you always assume someone dislikes you when you first meet them, which is kind of a handicap in the adult world, and a bit hard on the ol’ self confidence. By the way, I’m proud to call you a friend, so your experience with the cruelty of others did nothing to affect your own kindness. xx
English Mums last blog post..In which I pretend I’m really learned and bookish
EM – Aw … you are a sweetie. I’m proud to call you friend too! So sad that so many of us suffered in the same way, but it’s good to know that we can survive and grow into reasonable adults despite all!
Jay, Thank you for sharing that story and I am sorry for what took place. My brother was teased relentlessly growing and it wasn’t easy for me to watch. Now that I am a parent I am fiercely protective of my progeny. Probably too much.
But, then again, I’m Italian.
Godless Sundays last blog post..Reason trumps Religion.
Oh, Jay, your post struck so many chords. I am now, officially, a little old lady but I can remember the torments meted out by our school bully as if they happened yesterday. And, yes, I found her last year on Friends Reunited. She is now a yoga teacher and has been for years. What’s more, she’s a shamanic healer, a Reiki Master of international repute and – excuse me while I laugh – a stress management counsellor. (Presumably that’s counselling people on how to manage the stress she’s caused them.) I can only assume that she has successfully wiped out her own memories of being the most frightening girl in the school, otherwise why would she risk being tracked down and confronted, half a century later, and called to account for her crimes?
60 Going On 16s last blog post..In Devon, gates are for . . .
Hi and welcome to Godless Sunday! I’m not Italian, but I am fiercely protective of my progeny too. It was hard sometimes for me to step back ad let them learn to fight their own battles, and to know when to do that and when to step in and help. I do know I spent a lot of time talking to my son’s teachers about the bullying issues.
Hello again, 60 Going On 16! Well, one can only hope that she has grown in maturity and come to realise that she did very wrong. The fact that she’s now working in such a field may mean that she felt she needed to atone?
Why is it that when a kindly adult steps in and tries to help that we brush it all away as if it is no deal in the scheme of things. What is it in our psychology that does that and what is it, as the person asking, that gives up asking? Maybe like in sales where a person needs to have 3 opportunities to have the info presented for a sale to be more likely, maybe we need to be asking kids on a number of occasions to give them time to process and to re-consider.
I had a rubbish time at school but nowhere like yours …. that insidious mis-treatment is awful. End result is pretty much the same though – so distracting and one leaves school ASAP with nothing to show for it. It is sad to remember these things but also important. If only we had better care around us.
On the subject of bullies and bullying. We mustn’t underestimate the potential for any of us to be involved in actually bullying. Of course I can’t imagine I would bully anyone but there have been times when in my need to be part of a group that I have stepped out my comfort zone and perhaps laughed about this or that person and, in effect, bullied. When my daughter was eleven she was tall and beautiful and popular but she didn’t realise it. Her life swayed between being bullied and being the bully-er. We pulled her out of school and home educated her for her own sanity but also, I could see she had the potential to bully. I think it is important to remember that the bullies are not always someone else but sometimes it is us too and we must always keep check on our own behaviours. As painful and as unfair as that seems, I think that is the only way we can really knock bullying on the head.
(((Hugs to you Jay)))
Doriss last blog post..The pace of life
Doris, thanks. What you say is so true. We all have that potential, and there have been times in my life that I’ve behaved less than well. I spend a lot of time these days second-guessing myself and checking my own behaviour and motives, because there is no way I want to be like the girls who did that to me.
On the whole, while the experience was horrible, it was – for me – character forming. Maybe it did prevent me from being a bully later in life?
As to the kindly teacher, she didn’t give up, bless her. She was my local Girl Guide leader and she persuaded me to join and pointed me in the direction of activities she thought would help. Looking back, she did a lot to support me during that time and I’ll always be grateful to her.
Your teacher sounds magnificent and am heartened to hear that someone didn’t give up.
I’m still not sure I am happy with the idea of these things being character forming. What I mean is, one way or another they do make a difference to us and maybe help us to be better people but it is as if to say “thank you” for certain bad things that happened. Who is to say that we didn’t have certain characteristics anyway and these have survived despite the bad things? If that makes sense. (Anyway, it is just me projecting my own sour grapes about things that happened to me!!!)
Doriss last blog post..The pace of life
You have a point, Doris. Maybe we survive despite the things that happen … but I do believe that you have to play with the cards you’re dealt, whatever they are. No use whining, cos no-one’s going to reshuffle them for you.
Yep, no-ones going to re-shuffle so might as well make the best of what we have. But I’m still not going to give thanks for it! (And I wonder why I am stuck?! …. Perhaps I need to look at this stuff again …but it digresses from what you were originally saying so I’ll take it off for a while and put it on the mantlepiece for further consideration another time!)
Doriss last blog post..Day Out
It’s all good, Doris!