Once upon a time there was a very nice man. He had a fairly uneventful childhood and grew up to be kind to children and animals - you know the sort of thing. And then, lo! The Nice Man married a Nice Girl and they had two children and took out a mortgage on a Nice House in the country and got a kitten and it all looked very idyllic.
And then the drinking started.
For a long time, nobody knew about the drinking. The Nice Girl always looked pretty and happy and bright and normal, but the Nice Man started to refuse social engagements to the point where his family would invite him to weddings and parties but they knew that he wouldn’t turn up, and neither would the Nice Girl.
So time went on, and still nobody but their very closest friends knew about the problem. Actually, I doubt that even they - no, not even his family - knew the true extent of the problem, because things had got very bad indeed. We are not talking about ordinary social drinking, let me make that clear. We are talking about wheelie bins full of White Lightning empties from a single evening because nothing else was available. We are talking about people having things thrown at their head, punched, kicked and slandered in public because of the ravings of an alcoholic. We are talking about someone dancing barefoot on broken glass and not feeling a thing because they were so, so out-of their-head drunk. We are talking about a real, honest-to-goodness alcoholic. Who wouldn’t admit that there was anything wrong with her behaviour at all.
Oh, yes, dear readers. It may come as a surprise to you, but it was the Nice Girl who had the problem.
For years, the Nice Man did what he could. He smiled and gritted his teeth and cooked and cleaned and shopped and took the children to the doctor and made sure they did their homework and attended school concerts when work allowed. In short, he did a damn fine job of being a single parent, within his dysfunctional marriage. And he had quiet words with the Nice Girl’s friends and asked them to please watch out for her when she went out without him, and he made sure not to keep any alcohol in the house, which of course did absolutely no good at all, because alcoholics are very good at finding supplies.
So why am I telling you this now? Because last week, she - the alcoholic, but still possibly nice-underneath-it-all, girl, moved out. She upped and left home.
The children chose to stay with their father, who breathed a sigh of relief and changed the locks. He would never have left her, but now he can have his life back, and the children can come home without wondering what they’re going to find when they open the door.
It is a very sad fact that no-one can help an alcoholic until they face the fact that they have a problem.
So far, this woman, once so pretty and bright, has not done that.
I have long been friends with a nice lady who lived with a nice man who also had a problem with alcohol. She would agree with the single parent scenerio you described and just recently, after 35 years of coping she has found release from these bonds of loyalty and patience and coping for both of them when the drink finally claimed him for good. She would also echo this feeling of relief, not yet fully understood by his grieving friends and more distant relatives.
Why do people depend so on substance abuse? I guess there are many reasons why it starts but it seems to me that if help and understanding isn’t sort early on and rarely it isn’t, once it takes hold then it becomes it’s own problem, becomes the personality,defines who the person is and anyone who has to share a life with someone defined by their addiction needs all the praise we can give them.
My nice lady now intends to claim back some of the life she’s lived in shadows of. I hope your nice man can do the same.
Thanks, Jeni - I admire your nice lady very much. She has kept her sense of humour, and her individuality, and she’s a very strong and wise person. I’m sure my nice man will manage very well indeed. He says now that he will never re-marry, but we’ll see. He is, after all, a very nice man.
one thousand per cent true - if only they would realize sooner- last Easter my friends buried their youngest son. He never made it to the door of his home- literally ruined every organ by drinking himself to death..43
sandykesslers last blog post..My cousin’s Dad a U S Navyman passed on this year .. His son sent me this
Sandy, I’m so sorry about your friends’ son. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose a child. And even at forty-three, they’re still your kids, aren’t they? So sad.
Back when I was still married, we lost my husband’s brother to a mix of alcohol and a car. Years of problems, years of trying to save him, until he took himself out of the equation. It was heartbreaking, he as such a vibrant young man, with such a beautiful soul, but he couldn’t control his need to to smother his personal sorrows.
Amazingly enough, his family has bounced back in such a way that I’m consistently amazed. My X still doesn’t handle anything well, but his sisters and mother have made huge differences in their lives. I’m so impressed by what they took out of the tragedy and made it into, and we still talk and stay in touch. It makes a world of difference for my girls to have steady contact with someone on their dads side.
JTs last blog post..Little things that piss me off - Part 2
JT - I’m sorry for the loss of your husband’s brother - but it’s wonderful that the tragedy of this young man’s death could trigger a change for the better in his family. Such a shame that it had to happen that way, but sometimes, sadly, that is the case. It takes a shock to make people sit up and take stock.
Jay, I’m actually attending a Celebrate Recovery group at my church now. We are a group of people with “hurts, habits, and hang-ups” that includes some alcoholics, overeaters, people affected by addicted persons, etc. I find it to be a very useful group. I started going because I had been affected by my father’s addictions, my mother’s addictions, my brother and sister’s addictions, and now my daughter’s addictions. I felt like I was being consumed alive, like I was drowning in their problems.
I feel much better since finding this group. I hope Nice Girl someday gets to her rock bottom so she will ask for help. Meanwhile, Nice Man needs to find a Celebrate Recovery group or an Al-Anon meeting. I wish him the best of luck.
Peace - D
DP/Mommas last blog post..Normandy, or How to Change a Man
I hope the nice man finds peace and more goodness in the future. And Jeni’s nice lady too!
I never got the substance abuse thingy, until this year. I was very hurt from scatica and the regular advil was not doing the trick, and one nite I had a beer. OMG did that ever help, and I realized what drugs can do for you. after all these years…. go figure!
Dawns last blog post..Mt. Rainier
Having grown up in a broken home with an alcoholic and abusive stepfather, I know how bad everyday life can be with a drunk. I feel for all those who are forced to enable the drunks they love, and end up paying such a steep price for whatever little scrap of peace they can manage to find among the rubble. I wish I had an answer but I don’t. People who abuse their bodies must come to their senses before it is too late. No one can do it for them.
Jennys last blog post..We’ll Never Forget Today
Well, I am a little disturbed by every commenter also having stories of alcoholism to relate…. it is really tragic. That’s the nature of addictions.
May your nice man find a way forward and may the nice girl find a way out of her self-imposed hell. It is hard, on the one hand the temptation to encourage and congratulate the nice man for his finally having some space; whilst acknowledging the nice girl as being a lost soul.
On the lighter side, I don’t know White Lightning and looked at the link and flicked on a few of the reviews, and chuckled to even find a recipe suggestion for a marinated eggplant toasted sandwich to accompany this lethal concoction!
Doriss last blog post..Day Out
Hello. Insightful post - you’re right, drink is a demon. We’ve a little experience of it in our extended family and what you describe is absolutely right.
GoneBackSouths last blog post..Sleepy Heads
Interesting. The reasons for addiction seem, to me, to be very complex and it’s not always clear-cut as to why things happen. I think it is possible to have an addictive personality - in the sense of ’someone who is prone to addictions” rather than the slightly more lovely “someone who people find addictive” - however, I also think there are many other factors, nurture as well as nature.
Thanks for commenting on my blog because it meant I found yours and it’s pretty good actually!
One of the weird things I do is write poetry - here’s two I wrote about drink and losing control of it (they are by me, I write under a pen name):
http://www.alexsykie.com/saturdaynight.html
http://www.alexsykie.com/joinus.html
Punctuations last blog post..Black cab sessions
Momma - support groups really do work. I’m glad you’ve found something so helpful. So true that alcohol and drugs are not the only addictions.
Dawn - Thanks. Yes, I understand the process too. I tend to like opiate painkillers, but I’m very careful not to overuse them because I do know the dangers. I think if I had to take them for very long at a time, I could see where addiction could be a possibility though.
Jenny - I’m so sorry you went through that. You’ve come through it a strong woman though, and that’s something to be thankful for, isn’t it? We must count our blessings where we find them.
Doris - it is disturbing. And it’s perhaps more disturbing that alcohol is legal while something as relatively innocuous as marijuana (which also has medical uses) is not. I’ve never used any illegal drugs. I have drunk alcohol, sometimes to excess, though not to the point of addiction. I believe the real difference is that alcohol provides tax revenue while marijuana does not.
Yes, I too am torn on the issue. I feel bad that he changed the locks on her, but I really, in all honesty, cannot blame him. He’s protecting himself and the kids.
Gone Back South - Hello and welcome - and thanks for the compliment! Good grief, another one. I’m sorry that you too have experienced this.
Punctuation - Hello and welcome to you, too! Thank you for your kind words about my blog - I like yours too, and have added it to my RSS feed. It is indeed possible to have an addictive personality and I have to acknowledge that I have one. My personal addiction is with food, which is hard, because I can’t not eat - I can’t climb ‘on the wagon’. So it’s a daily battle to keep it within limits. If I eat refined sugar or carbs I’m sunk till I’ve slept them off and sometimes find it almost impossible not to eat till I feel nauseous. Not perhaps as serious or damaging addiction to anyone but me, but an addiction nevertheless.
Oh, and Punctuation - I’ll go and read your poems! Thanks for the link.
Even when an alcoholic/substance abuser acknowledges that they have a problem, they also know that they have a very long journey in front of them. Some make it - my best friend did - but others, sadly, do not. My late husband was one who did not, despite periodic clinic admissions. he eventually left our home in 1983 and died in 1985. He had been a bright, funny, beautiful, intelligent man and it was heartbreaking to see what he became. But I do remember after he left, so many of my friends said that it was good to have me back and that to them it seemed as if I had just lost myself in the years that he and I were together.
I didn’t ever marry again . . . I was asked but I couldn’t even begin to contemplate it. I have no regrets about saying ‘no’ and now, at 60, I’m very, very happy to be single.
60 Going On 16s last blog post..Shelter from the storm
60 GO 16 - Sounds like you have far too much experience of this, with your best friend and your husband both having a problem. I’m so sorry about your husband, that must be hard to watch indeed. I’m pleased to hear your friend made it though.
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I imagine my Nice Man’s friends will be saying the same. “Good to have you back”. It’s so easy to lose yourself in that situation, like caring for a dependent parent.
I AM a recovering alcoholic; 8.5 years sober, a day (or, when it gets nutso, a minute) at a time. And I have been married to an addict and been forced to change a relstionship with a man I love with my whole heart because of his alcoholism. So. It sounds mean to say that I hope nice girl gets it, hope she hits her bottom, and I hope she makes it out alive. Statistically speaking, she won’t, so here’s to hoping she beats the odds.
Koris last blog post..Losing-or Relinquishing-Control
Hats off to you, Kori, for beating the demon! And may you continue to beat it. Your comment doesn’t sound mean - it’s what everyone is thinking. I hope she makes it, too. Thanks for your insight.
wow, some story. it’s true of every kind of addiction, you can’t help people until they want to help themselves…usually when they hit rock bottom. hope she gets in together for herself and her family.
Naturals last blog post..How to Get Out and Stay Out of Debt Book Giveaway
Natural - Yeah, me too. Thanks. Personally, I doubt she will, but one can only hope.
Just found your blog, Jay, through Mr Nighttime. I like it very much, and this post and all the comments are moving.
I work in prisons and, as you can imagine, a very large percentage of crime, especially violent crime, is drink-related. It’s very sad. We have a high number of alcoholic prisoners who, even though they manage years of sobriety through their sentence, and are actually model prisoners, don’t last half a day when they are released from jail. They end up coming in and out of jail all the time for “breach of the peace” charges.
AnneDroids last blog post..
Thanks, AnneDroid.
Yes, I imagine you’d see a lot of alcoholic offenders. It’s very sad, when you think that they’re perfectly nice people when they’re sober. I don’t know how you do it, I’d find a prison environment very depressing, I think - you have my admiration.
Going to check out your blog!