So. Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars decided to take questions from the ladies and has a piece up today answering just a few of those niggling little questions that we all have, which usually start ‘why the fuck do you … ?’ and commonly end up with bafflement. The woman shakes her head, the man grins.
It’s all very amusing. Crotchety offers us answers just as baffling as those we get from our own menfolk and in the end we shake our heads, wryly, thinking, ‘Men, huh? You’ll never change them’. But there, dear ladies, you are wrong!
If I may, I’d like to offer you a couple of solutions to common problems which I’ve come across over the years.
Problem No. 1: You are on your way out somewhere. Your man waits until you are locking the front door behind you, and then says, casually ‘Could you put my keys in your bag? Oh, and here’s my wallet, cigarettes, cigarette lighter, sunglasses case, a book I fancied reading while you are in the shops and a couple of assorted and nameless Manly Things.
What most women do: Sigh, ask their man somewhat crossly why he doesn’t a) put these things in his pocket or b) bring his own damn bag, then sigh again and accept said items to add to their already bulging bag – a bag, I might add, which is often bulging with things that both of them might want and weighs a ton.
The Depp Effect solution: Take a smaller bag and tell him there’s no room. There. Simple and effective. Or you could buy him a bunch of carabeners (men love hardware!) so that he can hang all those things from his belt. This will have the extra added bonus effect of making him clank (men love to clank – especially if there’s hardware involved!).
Problem No. 2: You ask your man how to do to something, and he comes over all scathing about women and technology and says he told you this only last week, and then you ask him not to shout at you and he says he’s not shouting, and if you’d only paid attention the first time you’d know how to do it, and anyway, why don’t you read the fucking manual?
What most Women do: Remind him that he lost the fucking manual, and request that he explain the thing again, while attempting to keep things peaceable. When this proves impossible, they will shout back, only to have their man say something like ‘Don’t you bloody shout at me!’ Whereupon swearing and/or name-calling ensues, swiftly followed by tears of frustration. At this point things may go seriously downhill and many couples have ended up not speaking for days, or even weeks. However, there is no need for such histrionics.
The Depp Effect Solution: Ask him if he knows how to use the dishwasher. If this doesn’t work, remind him that he’s scared witless of the sewing machine. Then hand him the manual for the overlocker*, which should shut him up, if nothing else does.
I could, of course, go on for quite some time, and list a dozen or more scenarios familiar to us all. However, I thought it might be more fun to invite you all to add your own favourites. After all, while it is true that too many cooks spoil the broth, you can never have too many back-up plans. Right?
So let’s hear your own hard-won solutions to age-old problems. It will help out our poor benighted sisters no end.
Disclaimer: Other Half is such a Jolly Nice Chap that he would never dream of behaving in a less-than-gentlemanly way, certainly not. He carries his own stuff and everything! And he does his own laundry!
This is no doubt
because why we’ve been married over thirty years.
*I believe Americans call them ‘sergers’.