So. Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars decided to take questions from the ladies and has a piece up today answering just a few of those niggling little questions that we all have, which usually start ‘why the fuck do you … ?’ and commonly end up with bafflement. The woman shakes her head, the man grins.
It’s all very amusing. Crotchety offers us answers just as baffling as those we get from our own menfolk and in the end we shake our heads, wryly, thinking, ‘Men, huh? You’ll never change them’. But there, dear ladies, you are wrong!
If I may, I’d like to offer you a couple of solutions to common problems which I’ve come across over the years.
Problem No. 1: You are on your way out somewhere. Your man waits until you are locking the front door behind you, and then says, casually ‘Could you put my keys in your bag? Oh, and here’s my wallet, cigarettes, cigarette lighter, sunglasses case, a book I fancied reading while you are in the shops and a couple of assorted and nameless Manly Things.
What most women do: Sigh, ask their man somewhat crossly why he doesn’t a) put these things in his pocket or b) bring his own damn bag, then sigh again and accept said items to add to their already bulging bag – a bag, I might add, which is often bulging with things that both of them might want and weighs a ton.
The Depp Effect solution: Take a smaller bag and tell him there’s no room. There. Simple and effective. Or you could buy him a bunch of carabeners (men love hardware!) so that he can hang all those things from his belt. This will have the extra added bonus effect of making him clank (men love to clank – especially if there’s hardware involved!).
Problem No. 2: You ask your man how to do to something, and he comes over all scathing about women and technology and says he told you this only last week, and then you ask him not to shout at you and he says he’s not shouting, and if you’d only paid attention the first time you’d know how to do it, and anyway, why don’t you read the fucking manual?
What most Women do: Remind him that he lost the fucking manual, and request that he explain the thing again, while attempting to keep things peaceable. When this proves impossible, they will shout back, only to have their man say something like ‘Don’t you bloody shout at me!’ Whereupon swearing and/or name-calling ensues, swiftly followed by tears of frustration. At this point things may go seriously downhill and many couples have ended up not speaking for days, or even weeks. However, there is no need for such histrionics.
The Depp Effect Solution: Ask him if he knows how to use the dishwasher. If this doesn’t work, remind him that he’s scared witless of the sewing machine. Then hand him the manual for the overlocker*, which should shut him up, if nothing else does.
I could, of course, go on for quite some time, and list a dozen or more scenarios familiar to us all. However, I thought it might be more fun to invite you all to add your own favourites. After all, while it is true that too many cooks spoil the broth, you can never have too many back-up plans. Right?
So let’s hear your own hard-won solutions to age-old problems. It will help out our poor benighted sisters no end.
Disclaimer: Other Half is such a Jolly Nice Chap that he would never dream of behaving in a less-than-gentlemanly way, certainly not. He carries his own stuff and everything! And he does his own laundry!
This is no doubt because why we’ve been married over thirty years.
*I believe Americans call them ‘sergers’.
super !!!! sandy
sandy ks last blog post..Camera Critters #2 – I forgot my boy !!!! Happy BirthdayPharoah !!!!
LOL! I ran into the first one just last night! We went to the movies, and my relatively small purse was suddenly bulging at the seams. To funny. Saw X-Files, just like the show, only longer, with some very amusing lines.
JTs last blog post..Bad Joke Day
All a part of why I’m happily single
Sure, it’s okay to have a man over for a few hours … but live with one? Surely you jest!
DrowseyMonkeys last blog post..Quick Question
You see, this is why I want to learn how to use an overlocker. Just in case.
You know Jay,you should allow all women to copy paste your article on their blog. The topic should be ‘ Men, please don’t read this’. And yes you know how men are, they like to read all the things that they have been asked not to. :p I loved the idea of carabeners. I didn’t know whet they were but when I clicked on the link, I was going mad with laughter.
Loved it! Simply Superb.
Scratch Bagss last blog post..Fantastic Four
This is really good.
You are good.
Problem 1: I’ll insist Husband carrying my bag.
Problem 2: I’ve tattooed RTFM (Read the Fucking Manual) on his head. He is the manual. Period.
The Real Mother Hens last blog post..If I Can Talk In My Dreams,,,
Hah! I go mad trying to get hubby’s face pulled from the TV… even though he has already seen the show, in fact HAS it on DVD, he has to watch it (or anything) before getting outside and mowing the lawn. I gently “suggest” he get out there before the temperature reaches 30 degrees. Oh no. Instead of taking advantage of the cool morning, he lazes about watching TV and THEN goes out to mow in the middle of the day. Of course complaining about heat stroke when he gets back in.
I just shake my head…and hand him a beer.
Maureens last blog post..White Powder
Sandy – Thanks, Sandy!
JT – Hey, you could have left all his stuff on the seat and pretended that somehow, it had all just mysteriously disappeared!
DM – Ah, but most of the time it’s actually pretty damn good living with a man, if you choose carefully. See how long I’ve kept this one?
Jake – Uuuh .. you’ll have to wait until I’ve got the hang of it myself, but, yeah. Anytime. It’ll be fun! I’ll take pictures. Video, even!
Scratch – If anyone wants to copy/paste my page, they’ll need to ask me, but permission is most likely to be given. After all, we do need to educate women everywhere, huh? Oh, and I use carabeners myself, they’re actually very useful and you can even get them in pink.
Mother Hen – Major kudos to you for getting him to carry your bag! Many have tried and failed! BTW, I’ve long been an advocate of tattooed foreheads.
Maureen – Ah, yes – another good one! You are obviously a very kind and charitable person for handing him a cold one – but I guess you get the grass cut anyway. LOL!
One problem with men and women is that we speak different languages. Ask a man what’s wrong, and if he says “Nothing,” I can assure you nothing is wrong.
Ask a woman, and if she says nothing, well, the average man should just be prepared to go to the jewelry store.
Great blog post, by the way.
Joes last blog post..The Pompitous of Love
Men should never carry a ‘man-bag’, end of story, and Mrs M doesn’t like the look of mmy jeans if I have a wallet and phone stuffed in the pockets … so she does carry them, which is probably why my wallet is empty !
Only yesterday we were driving home from Big Bear Lake, I was tired, she was driving … Use the Sat Nav I say, ok .. she does… The sat nav says “do a u-turn” and takes back to where we started. so I point out that she should have set the thing for home, not left it taking us to the last place. she says “Well, you moved the bloody thing” .. like it must have been my fault !!!!
moons last blog post..Dave ………..
Now, although I don’t live with a man. Mo behaves just like one at times! Her car keys consist of just about every key she owns, along with keys that she has long since forgotten what they open. her purse is bulging with a million and one cards for stores, and anything else she can poke into it. Together they are very heavy, besides being bulky.
I got wise, and now have a small bag!
Babs – beetles last blog post..My metamorphosis
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Spot on as usual.
My scenario:
PROBLEM: Man cannot FIND his keys (or glasses, or wallet, or phone, or insurance policy (WAIT! BETTER HELP HIM FIND THAT … !) or pool towel, or swim trunks, or ratchet wrench, or book, or tire pressure gauge, or … you know.
Good you got it …
WHAT MOST WOMEN DO: Semi-immediately become frustrated and impatient. Ask man for the zillionth time why he can’t keep track of his stuff and remind him that it’s after all not YOUR stuff and inquire when exactly was the last time you got him to help LOOK for something of yours that you had lost. Smile wickedly when steam begins emerging from his ears.
THE DEPP EFFECT SOLUTION: Quash impulse to witheringly ask HOW in the sam hill you could possibly know where he last put said item(s). Ignore his maddened (and maddening) rummaging in riduculous places (could your phone really possibly be in the refrigerator, dear?) as he searches for the misplaced item(s). Go sit in your favorite chair in the front room all by your onesie. Pretend you’ve gone stone deaf. Get in the “zone” where you go all glassy-eyed and daydream about the endless charms of our inimitable Johnny. Remain in that condition until the coast is clear.
Jennys last blog post..This Just In …
Joe – ROFL! How true! But did you see my post about ‘Three things my husband knows about me’? It involves Tiffany’s….
Moon – Well, of course it was your fault! You were the last one to touch it, weren’t you? LOL!
Babs – Atta girl! Small bag = smaller chance of being asked to carry something!
Jenny – Thank you my dear. Perfect addition to my collection of Depp Effect solutions! And the Johnny Zone is a perfect place to wait it out.
OH finds ‘Wherever you put it’ to be a pretty good answer to ‘where is my … ?’ *Ahem* Should anyone happen to ask it, that is. I can’t think who that might be though. *Cough cough*
It’s nice to see the flip side of Crotchety’s post. Especially since I’ve had a hard time all day confining my statements to the appropriate three Man-hearable words prior to tune-out.
Hi Jenn – It had to be done. One cannot let that kind of thing go by without comment! Those three man-hearable things – I know how that works. It must be why teenage boys communicate in single words and grunts, and I’m so glad mine grew out of that stage quickly!
As the OH of this partnership I object. If you are going to tell all these nice people that I do my own laundry then I think you ought to tell them why.
Yellow Swordfishs last blog post..JDOCD Overheard
Alrighty then, Sweetheart! You do your own laundry because (are you sure you want me to tell them this?) you insist on using fabric conditioner, even on towels, and you don’t trust me to fold your socks properly. There. Happy now? LOL!
Fabric conditioner makes me itchy mumble mumble I don’t lose socks mumble mumble or make things go pink in the wash (not very often anyway)
Here, hang on a minute!! You mean you’re not PROUD of doing your own laundry?
HAHAHAHAHA!!
You guys are too much. The day TG does his own laundry is the day after my funeral … *blanches* … hope that’s no time soon …
Jennys last blog post..This Just In …
Oh come on. I do my own laundry because I want to be able to actually find my clothes after they are washed.
Yellow Swordfishs last blog post..JDOCD Overheard
nice! you should have your own newspaper column with similar problems and solutions set up.
sound advice. the smaller bag thingy is great!
Naturals last blog post..A Fish Out of Water, Literally
Jenny – Well, it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement – as you see by YS’s comment, and my answer below.
YS – But you had your own shelf in the airing cupboard and everything!! Oh, I suppose you’re talking about the fact that we have three laundry baskets, you can never find one, and sometimes they go missing with laundry still in them? Oh. Right. That…
Valerie – Thanks! I doubt anyone would employ me, but it’s a nice thought! LOL!