I was abruptly taken back to my childhood while reading Not Afraid To Use It this morning, because a question which blighted her childhood also echoed through mine. It was a metaphorical question, and you can bet your life that if we’d answered that one, we’d have been in very deep shit indeed.
Looking back, it seems to me that our parents came out with certain stock phrases without too much thought about what effect they might have. Maybe it was simply that their parents said them, or maybe they used them because they had the desired effect of making the kid shut up. Whatever the reason, many children of my generation heard the same things, over and over again.
So let’s examine a few of those phrases, and see if they’re as bad as I remember them. We’ll start with the one mentioned by Not Afraid To Use It in her blog post. ‘Just who do you think you are?‘
What does this say to a child? It says ‘you are not good enough for that’. It says ‘you are far too confident in my love for you if you think you can say that to me and get away with it’. Uh … don’t we want our children to grow up feeling worthy and confident and trust that we love them no matter what? I thought we did …
I used to get ‘who do you think you are?‘ when I questioned my Mum’s dictates on what I should wear or how I should behave. Now, I was basing my rebellion on the fact that my brothers were treated differently, but I had failed to take into account the facts that a) they were older than me, and b) I was a girl. However, I still think it would have been better had she pointed these things out to me and explained why she was making me conform to different standards. For instance, ‘I know, love, it’s tough isn’t it, but life just ain’t fair’ might have been easier to take. As it was, I was so wounded that I did indeed shut up, and I was still following Mum’s rules three decades later, when they were well and truly redundant.*
Another one I heard with distressing regularity was ‘Those who ask don’t get‘ which was often followed by ‘.. and those who don’t ask, don’t want‘. What kind of a twisted, sadistic thing is this? So you’re fucked whatever you do? Oh, way to teach a child the concept of learned helplessness and make sure they don’t try anything!
‘Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about‘. Classic! If a child’s upset enough to cry real tears, what are the chances that they can recover their equilibrium by sheer force of will-power? Yep, pretty well non-existent. So in saying this, you’re ensuring that the child becomes instantly more upset and you can get even more righteously angry at them. Sheesh. Great parenting lesson.
Well. at least my parents never - ever - said anything like ‘Don’t you fucking swear at me, you little bitch‘, a phrase I actually heard aimed at a toddler in a local shopping centre at ten o’clock one night by a very young mother.
Most kids had more responsible parents than that, of course, and most took the admonishments in their stride, but for those who took things to heart and who tended to think too deeply, they caused lasting damage, and clearly I was a sensitive soul because I grew up insecure, seriously lacking in confidence, and with an absolutely terrible self-image.
As you know, I’m not a fan of political correctness, but this isn’t a matter of PC gone mad. It’s psychologically damaging when conundra like this are aimed at children too young to understand, especially when they’re said in anger. Now, my parents loved me, that’s without question, and I’m pretty sure they were doing their level best to bring me up properly. They must have said these things without the faintest notion of how much they hurt. So if those words could screw us up so badly without our parents ever being aware of it, doesn’t that beg a very obvious question?
Yeah, that’s right. This one -
What damage have we done to our own kids without realising it?
* Yes, in my late forties. Then I discovered Johnny Depp and his ‘fuck it’ attitude to life.
“Do as I say, not as I do.” This is something that if not said directly, was at least implied by action. While my parents did not engage in it on many occasions, they did from time-to-time.
“Just who do you think you are?” I don’t think this is too bad a phrase, really. I honestly believe that there are kids that could use some of this pointed at them when they start going too far in testing limits. It is probably the least harmful of any of those phrases, quite frankly. (I have heard far worse that my friends parents dumped on them. At least my parents did do that to me.
I hear what you are saying about explaining things to kids better, and agree with it. I will say however that, there are simply times that “Because I’m the parent.” is the only thing that ever needs to be said, and never needs to be justified. After seeing how many disrespectful children I encountered during my paramedic days, there are more kids that could have used a healthy dose of “Because I’m the parent, that’s why!”
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The one I remember was “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about” The truth is, it didn’t mean anything to me, because my parents didn’t ever punish us kids. They only ever told us off, on the spot.
The “Ask don’t get. Don’t ask, don’t want” was only ever said in jest, as I remember. We were always taught to “Wait until you are offered” I still do that - much to my disappointment when not offered :O)
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Mr N - Ah yes, ‘do as I say not as I do!’ another familiar phrase! And another which isn’t too bad, providing it’s said with love and maybe an explanation, too.
I agree that ‘because I’m the parent’ sometimes is the way it has to be. And I hear what you’re saying about ‘who do you think you are?’ and disrespectful kids. Thing is, I wasn’t disrespectful and I didn’t really do anything out of line - no drugs, no drinking, no smoking, no boys behind the bike sheds (I know, shame, isn’t it?), but because my Mum’s younger sister was wild, and got into huge amounts of trouble, including two unwanted pregnancies, I got the fall-out - but no explanation. I didn’t even know about Aunt Jean until I was in my forties! No-one told me anything! LOL!
Babs - Oh yeah - that one too! Except we did feel the hand around the back of the legs quite often!
Strange but the tone of voice was enough for us. If we didn’t get smacked (other than the usual teaching smacks as toddlers) I wonder why the anger in the voice did it for us. I think we must have known that punishment of some sort, would follow if we continued :O)
What gets me, and I know many parents who would take issue with my stance, is the Father Christmas thing.
Two of the strongest lessons we are advised to teach our children are: 1) don’t talk to strangers, and 2) don’t tell lies. At Christmas time, however, we persuade our children to confess their fondest wishes to a male stranger in a hood and beard, and then we attempt to convince them that this guy comes down the chimney and gives them, and all the children in the world, presents.
Does this make any sense? or am I just the biggest killjoy in the world?
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I definitely remember “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about…”
Another favorite of my parents’ was “Because I said so.”
For someone erring on the logical side of things like myself, that was a killer….
I didn’t get any of those classics, but I got looks that were as squelching as any words. My mom brags that even when I was three, she used to be able to make me cry with an angry look. And I think, “Why would you want your child to be terrified of your displeasure?” But it was all about results, not about my psyche.
This is a very thoughtful post. Thank you for exploring this topic.
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Generally we were always made to feel important and encouraged. Our house was filled with ‘rules’ and they were not to be broken without consequences. I guess as the eldest I conformed more than my three siblings an respected my parents’ wishes. When very young, we’d get “Wait until your dad hears about this!” Poor man would come home, be harangued about our daily misdemeanours and then have to work up a disciplinary anger . . .
I suppose I’ve done it to my two as well but I can’t remember other than “Because I said so . .” or “Because I’m the mum OK!” It works, as a parent of young children, you are the authority figure and mine just seemed to accept it. (Mum knows best kinda thing)
My sister insists on explaining ‘why’ to her young children. It doesn’t work, they glaze over and just hear ‘bla bla bla’. Short sharp and to the point seems to have worked for me. Mine are now in their 20’s my best friends (really!) and are confident, independent, articulate and fun to be around. We have an exceptional relationship. I was widowed when they were 2 and for and so have been judge jury and jailer for 23 years . . not sure what I did right but hey, it worked. I must ask them if anything I ever said to them was emotionally damaging.
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Babs - Sounds as if you came from a loving family and wanted to please.
Lola - Yes, I understand that. My kids had no fear of Father Christmas but a friend’s son did. He was clearly a thinker, too!
Angi - Exactly. And I think that was part of my problem too - and why I talked the ears off my own children.
Ruth - Thank you! Yes, I think parenting was very different for our parents’ generation - one did not think so much about the feelings of the child. But it must have been hurtful to have your Mom take pleasure in her ability to make you cry.
Baino - Ha - well, I did the explaining and reasoning thing too. One responded extremely well to that approach, but the other hated it. There was one time when he was quite young that he said ‘Can’t you just hit me and get it over with?’ LOL! We never hit them, by the way, but clearly he knew other kids who got walloped and it seemed a good alternative to him.
One thing’s for sure, there is no right way to be a parent and you are never, ever going to be perfect. It must have been so hard for you to be widowed, especially with such young children. Kudos to you for bringing them up so brilliantly!
My mom would give me a look when I questioned her. That’s it, just a look. Was I not worthy of words?? :o)
I’ve heard young mother’s speak horribly to their children, I shudder to think how their kids will grow up.
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Bee - Sadly, their kids will probably grow up to treat their own children the same. Meanwhile, it’s unlikely that they’ll grow up to be model citizens… if you’re talking about the same level as the young woman I mentioned. So sad.
Wow! Thanks for commenting on my post, and I am glad (and sorry!) that it evoked feelings so strong in you as well. I come from a family exactly as you describe. That those phrases were used on them. I have tried SO HARD not to tell my three year old daughter not to cry. I believe crying is healthy but trying to get her to distinguish between being dramatic and actually being upset is such a fine line at this age. I know that I certainly do not want her to feel as I did. I think posts like yours keep us vigilant as to working on the kind of parent we want to be.
Not Afraid To Use Its last blog post..Just Who Do You Think You Are?
Not Afraid - Oh, yes, young children can be very dramatic! It’s a fine line that we walk, for sure. You can only do your best. One thing I did find was that having children myself triggered memories of my own childhood which I thought were completely forgotten - like having my hands tied to my cot so I didn’t scratch myself (I had eczema). I had weird nightmares and woke up sweating with that one. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Mum about it, but I mentioned it to a very close friend of the family who confirmed that that was indeed what Mum had done - with my best interests at heart and no clue how terrifying it was for me as a very young toddler. Funny to think that I might never have remembered that at all if it hadn’t been for having children myself.
Thank you for writing it up, too. If it means that one person out there thinks more carefully about what they are saying something to their children, it will be worth it, huh?
I don’t remember any comments that had such a lasting affect on me, but my children frequently remind me of the one thing I ever said to them that stayed with them. Trouble is I would still use it now so I’m not sorry!!!
It was…..
“I’ll always love you but right at this moment I don’t like you very much!”
Apparently that cuts to the quick!!!
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Kate - Ah, that’s a good one! It’s funny how these things affect different people so differently. I would have thought that was a good lesson for children to learn - that while they are always loved, they can sometimes behave in a way that makes us just not want to be in their company. The fact that your children were hurt by that is a good reminder that we need to be aware of their reactions so we can adjust our approach if necessary. It doesn’t mean we always will change what we do or say, but it’s good to be aware so we can explain and elucidate.
“Then I discovered Johnny Depp and his ‘fuck it’ attitude to life.”
Wounded I am! As the OH in this relationship and having also always had a ‘fuck it’ attitude to life how come it was ‘that bloke’ who did the trick? I mean - what’s he got that I haven’t got? Apart from money and good looks. His own island and mansions all over the place. Charisma. Charm. Shit. I’ve answered my own bloody question haven’t I?
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You forgot talent, Sweetheart! LOL!
Come, on, you know I couldn’t have made the transformation without you. And didn’t I say the other day that Johnny Depp would have to play you in my life movie because you were just as lovely?
The Caribbean island does sound nice though …
The phrase “If you cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” terrorized me throughout my childhood, because I usually cried and it usually brought, after an unbelievably long lecture that was almost worse than the belt, the belt. And he certainly knew how to use it. My gluteus maximus puckers even today at the mere mention of the phrase.
“Do as I say, not as I do,” when I think on it today, does show me that my father realized he had some flaws of his own, though I would never have believed back then that he thought so. Maybe that phrase just meant, “Don’t be so flippant and disrespectful as to point out my inconsistences to me” (not that I ever dared to; it would have brought out the belt again).
I was a nail-biter as a child and was often threatened with having my fingernails painted pink (I’m male) or having pink ribbons tied around my fingers and sent to school that way to break me of the habit. He never did it, but I lived in fear of it. I would never have dared to take them off. My mother would say, “He’s just nervous,” and my dad would roar, “What does he have to be nervous about?”
Thank you [sarcasm on] so much [sarcasm off] for reminding me of these things today. This is how Jack the Ripper probably got started.
“Who do you think you are?” was not used at our house, but if you want to find it in a totally different context, I recommend that you read Flannery O’Connor’s short story, “Revelation.”
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You too, Bob?
Gosh, your father sounds unstable. Nervous? I bet you were. Sorry for the reminder, but you know what they say: coming to terms with these old memories is the way to exorcise them.
We didn’t get the belt at our house, though my brother and I did get our heads cracked together on occasion, and I can still see the stars and feel the pain of that one.
I’ll look out for the short story - thanks!
I don’t remember any particular phrases that my parents used but similar to Kate I used “I dislike you both equally right now” to the “you like him/her better than me” retort, when life was considered to be a little unfair. I have never asked my son or daughter if they remember it, I must do so and get their current reaction to it. The other thing I remember is that when I felt they were feigning illness to get off school, I put the ball back in their court and remarked “well only you know whether you feel well enough for school or not”. Mostly they went on to school, and I don’t remember having to go and collect them later because they weren’t well. Both have always had a good work ethic and now have their own offspring to deal with and appear to be doing a good job. A
Oh yes, NATUI really gave us all something to ponder in her post. I’m sure we all do and say things to our kids that stick with them and leave them wondering what in the heck we meant. My own daughter has never let me live down something I said to her once when she was hitting puberty and was really giving me hell. I said, “You know, kid, I love you but I don’t like you at all right now!”
Of course she twisted it to mean that I didn’t love her unconditionally. BS. But that’s how she took it.
My parents always used the “I’ll give you something to cry about” phrase. I hated that. I figured I had plenty to cry about already!
Well, what can you do? As human beings, we are all pretty messed up. So NATUI and I are getting our messed up selves together today for coffee! Yippee!!!
Peace - D
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Anne - I used to put that one back on the kid, too. If one of them (usually the younger) said he didn’t feel well enough for school, I did the same as you and told them they must decide for themselves. Of course, the stipulation was if they had the day off school they’d be going nowhere, during the day or the evening. Mostly they made the right choice.
River Poet - I’m sure we all do something that our kids remember and resent. We simply can’t be perfect, and parenting is a harder thing to get right than most. As you say, we’re all messed up to some degree!
You’re meeting up with NATUI? Oh, I bet you have a great time!
I wrote a long post on this some time back. Words may not make much difference when you are in your teens or much younger but as you grow up, the words start making sense and sometimes rude words actually drift you apart from your parents. I mean I am ready to accept that parents say things just out of anger and may not really mean them, but if I say from the child’s perspective, words stay in your mind. And there is nothing else that hurts more than words.
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Hmm…I don’t remember my parents saying any of those things, but I am 46 … and childhood was a long time ago, lol.
I don’t have kids either so I probably give it less thought than those who are parents.
Perhaps the fact that I can’t remember says something. Certainly my parents were far from perfect and I do remember yelling at them …telling them they were ruining my life or that I hated them. Can’t for the life of me remember why now tho, lol.
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Scratch - I think you’re right. These things can cause a rift. As a child you are dependent and tend to accept your parents as they are. You don’t have a choice. As you grow and remember and think about what has happened you wonder why or how they could have said such things. All we can do is remember we’re none of us perfect and try to forgive, or at least come to terms with it. I must go look up your post! I’m sure you have something very insightful to say.
DM - If you can’t remember it means one of two things: either nothing terrible happened to you, or it was SO terrible you’ve wiped it from your memory! Seriously, sometimes we only remember incidents from our own childhood when we have children ourselves. I would find my own memories surfacing when my kids were the same age as when something happened to me.
And I’m older than you, so my childhood was even longer ago! LOL!
I’d say that if you remember shouting matches with your parents and can’t remember why you were shouting, you had a pretty normal childhood. No parents are perfect, but yours were probably pretty good.
I wanted to delete this post from my blog because it got a little too personal but then I thought that this was blogospehere, and no one is ever going to judge me or any of my family members. So, I let it be. Here is the post http://scratchbags.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/words-ripped-me-apart/.
I still don’t know why I wrote it.:)
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Scratch - Thank you - I’ve been to read it, and I’ve left you a comment there, but good grief! I can’t imagine why your Mom thought that saying that to you would help! Hugs to you, my friend!
I hope what I’ve said doesn’t sound as if I’m judging your Mom - I just meant that I think I know how she feels, and why she may have said what she did. I believe that understanding can help to heal.
classic is right: Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about‘.
I think I’ve even said that one myself, even jokingly.
I don’t understand parents who curse at their kids or even use profanity around them, so disrespectful.
I’d be crushed into a heap if my mom (or father I don’t care for too much)cursed at me. Maybe I’m too sensitive…words hurt…I rather you beat my @$$..the pain goes away a lot quicker.
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I don’t either. I know I use bad language now, but until the kids were adult I didn’t do it. And neither of them swear in the normal course of conversation, which I’m very glad about. Swearwords should be kept for emphasis and effect, and never said to someone in anger. It’s one thing to swear to let off steam, another to tell your kids they’re ‘fucking stupid’ or whatever. Not good.
I had a verbally abusive boss who used to use the “Who do you think you are?” phrase. Needless to say, I am no longer at that job, but the effect of those words was terrible on me, and morale, and self-esteem certainly.
My mother’s favorite platitude was, “You can always be better than you are.” Which of course is true, but also means you spend your entire life analyzing what you do and whether it’s good enough– which, of course could always be better.
Doesn’t leave you too many places to go, I must say.
So I hear you!
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exactly - the older we get the wiser we become for sure . My mother does still get so upset over things- not at all worth it sk
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Jenn - Those words still get to us on a very primitive level, don’t they, even as adults! I’m glad you’re not in that job anymore.
‘You can always be better than you are’ .. no, I don’t think that’s true. At least, it’s only true up to a point. I understand the sentiment, but it’s like teachers telling us ‘there’s no such word as ‘can’t”, which quite clearly isn’t true either. There are clearly a whole heap of things that each of us as individuals can’t do - from stupid things like reach the roof of a house while standing on the driveway to building a nuclear bomb in our kitchens. As motivators, both of those phrases will work with some people, but have the opposite effect with others.
Sandy - Oh, for the ability to be so philosophical! I might know it’s not worth it, but things still upset me.
The phrases mentioned in this post and in the comments are all too familiar to me. I remember saying most of them to my kids in their younger years more so than remembering said to me … but I’m sure those words were stored in my brain waiting for the right opportunity to pass them on to the next generation.
So what will be the phrases the new generation takes with it? I’m talking about the phrases that we, in our generation created.
My daughters went into instant depression after being scolded with these words … “That’s it! No watching Dukes of Hazard tonight!” … It still makes them shutter. (and they are moms themselves now) When their children get older what will they remember?
Today if you throw out the phrase “Who do you think you are?” in anger … kids are apt to just go google themselves.
Joe - Yes, what will they remember? The mind boggles!
One thing I used to say to my boys that they absolutely hated was ‘take what you want, and pay for it’. I explained that this meant that they had the free choice to do as they pleased in this life, but that if they chose unwisely (for instance, not obeying the house rules) they would pay for that decision, one way or another. Whether they’re scarred by it, who knows? Whether they repeat this to their own children, only time will tell.
“Today if you throw out the phrase “Who do you think you are?” in anger … kids are apt to just go google themselves.”
ROFL! So very true! And the sad thing is, they’ll probably get an answer of sorts, too!