For the last week or so, Other Half has had a visitor in his conservatory, a visitor he didn’t invite and didn’t want. In fact, a visitor which made him extremely nervous.
You see, a spider had taken up residence inside the end of one of the open metal tubes which fit at the top of the roof blinds to hold them rigid. And the roof blind in question was right up above his chair.
Every little while, this spider would come out of the tube and sit and stare down at him disconcertingly. Other times, it would scuttle back inside leaving two legs sticking out of the end, just to remind him it was still there! Occasionally, the legs would be withdrawn too, and OH would be sent into a tailspin of paranoia.
Where was the spider!!
Apparently, to an arachnophobe, there is only one thing worse than having a spider stare down at you from his position above your head, and that’s when it disappears altogether because you don’t know where it’s gone, and it could be anywhere!!
So when a spider comes into the house, I normally volunteer to collect it and throw it outside where it belongs because there is nothing funny about arachnophobia and I’m simply not scared of them. However, I have a dodgy neck and a rotator cuff injury, which makes doing things with my arms above my head rather difficult.
Yesterday OH was away for the afternoon, and Son No. 1 came round, so I enlisted the Tall One’s help in evicting the spider. We devised a Cunning Plan, which went like this -
1 – We would clear the space under the bottom end of the blind, and then open it. This would mean that the spider was no longer up at the apex of the conservatory roof, but merely at the top of the windows.
2 – I would prepare a spider shelter consisting of an open box containing screwed up newspaper to place on the windowsill, in case the spider went all kamikaze on us – the idea being that it would hide in the paper and not run away altogether.
3 – I would also have the traditional spider catching equipment – viz: one glass tumbler plus sheet of thick paper.
4 – Then (and this is the Cunning Part) the Tall One would gently poke a piece of curtain wire into the end of the metal tube and encourage the spider to come out of the opposite end so that I could make the capture.
Of course, the best laid plans gang oft astray, as they say north of the border. We took a video of the whole operation so that OH would know for sure the Spider Had Gone. It’s far too long for Photobucket and contains incriminating footage .. um … inchage. Whatever. So I made a slideshow, because I thought you might like to have a laugh at our expense.
Now, that should have been the end of the matter, shouldn’t it?
Sadly not.
The very next morning, Yellow Swordfish was sitting in his usual chair and looked up .. and there, to his horror, was a new spider! Clearly, seeing a vacancy, the damn thing had moved in!
I tell ya, arachnophobes attract them. It’s the only explanation.
Too funny between you, OH, and daphne’s posts simultaneously!
My mother said “oft go astray” and you say “gang oft astray” but Robert Burns said “gang aft agley”….
rhymeswithplagues last blog post..With deepest apologies to Walt Whitman, Robert Louis Stevenson, and the entire Hollywood film industry
Haha lot of fuss for a little spider. It’s a good job OH doesn’t live here! I have a quicker technique. Quick spray then when the very big huntsman falls to the ground, thwack it with a rubber thong! works like a charm. (although there’s one living behind my curtain rod in the lounge at the moment and as long as he stays there, he’s welcome.
Bainos last blog post..Wattle They Think of Next
How funny – would love to have been a fly on the wall – maybe not though! Large spiders give me the creeps too so can sympathise with OH. Decided a couple of weeks ago to treat myself to a spider catcher (battery operated) as this is the time of year that they all seem to scuttle into the house and suddenly there they are dark and menacing, just when you are least expecting it! A few evenings ago I was able to put it to the test. Very large spider in bathroom, placed end of catcher over, zapped it, trapped it and out through the window before you could say tarantula. (it wasn’t of course). Also I’m off to Australia in a couple of weeks and the catcher will be the last thing I put into my suitcase, (would be the first but I have to keep it handy). I noted what Baino said though about spray – hmmm.
A x
Where are the tissues, Jay? Tears are streaming down my face from the laughter. Thoroughly enjoyed your slideshow. I now know what to do the next time a spider enters my home. Great post, Jay. And thank you for your comments. I enjoy suggestions, as I don’t know every actor/
) But I definitely understand your pov. p.s. I’ve got “Billy Connelly Live in New York” in my Netflix queue. Am looking forward to it. I suppose the skit is on the your previous post. Will go there now.
actress all over the world, but I try. Well, I can see Johnny playing anything. I’m biased.
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Hilarious! Oh, I can understand thick Scottish accents all right. I lived in Edinburgh for about a year. Ach, it took
several weeks to truly understand the brogue, but in another several weeks, was talking just like the natives. Am looking forward to watching Billy Connelly in action!
Thank you, Jay!
petra michelles last blog post..Eve’s Got Mail
Bob – Aye, he did, and I believe we have him to thank for the expression in the first place?
I popped over to see Daphne.
Baino – Mm. OH stayed in Sydney for three days once, on a business trip. He was sitting in a garden one evening when a spider the size of his fist fell out of a tree, and his host ran indoors to get the government leaflet to see if it was dangerous. He decided at that moment never to set foot in Australia again. LOL!
I’ve seen pictures of hunstman spiders. Isn’t it one of those in that picture of one behind a kitchen clock? Those things are BIG!
BTW .. you wear rubber knickers? I hope you wash them thoroughly after whacking spiders with them!
Petra – Thank you – I’m glad I made you laugh!
You’ve ordered a Billy Connolly show? You’re in for a treat! The Glasgow accent is a little different from Edinburgh, but he’s lived away from Scotland for some time now, so has lost some part of the brogue.
Anne – Yes, it might have been dangerous to be a fly on that particular wall!
I hope you have fun in Australia! Don’t forget your rubber knickers … although maybe Baino meant the sort of thong you wear on your foot? The ones we call ‘flip-flops’? ROFL!
I’m glad to hear the spider catcher worked. Maybe I should get one for OH.
I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself an arachnophobe, but I get VERY nasty reactions to spider bites. Does your spider removal service do work in the U.S.??
Ruth Hull Chatliens last blog post..Never-Ending Story Meme: Play It Forward
Oh my! I’ve just been exchanging emails with my sisters about spiders, then I come here and read this! I hope that doesn’t mean I have to keep glancing around the room tonight :O( I hate them and definitely couldn’t sit underneath one. They drop down really fast on their webs!!
Your slide show was very funny but the subject matter, not so funny ;O)
Babs – beetles last blog post..Happy Birthday Kathy!
Some spiders I squish, but i try to set them free as much as possible. That one I would have squashed no questions asked. You jay are braver than I. Thanks for settin’ them free!
I think Baino was refering to the shoe.
Sarahs last blog post..Happy Labor Day!
Oh Jay, just too funny and loved the captioned slideshow. LOL. You’re so kind to that man of yours. I had to rid my friend’s house of two palm sized spiders this weekend. I can deal with them kindly one at a time, no matter how big they are…
but my shed! it belongs to a vast community. There are way too many for one human to overpower (I’ve seen LOTR and Harry Potter. and they will bind me and eat me) so I have relenquished all use of the building.
Oh hell no. I cant with spiders.
meleah rebeccahs last blog post..Happy Holiday
I love that you catch and release the spiders. Respect for all creatures…
Peace – D
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Ah Jay, you have a long career ahead of you in the film industry. Quentin Tarantino eat your heart out.
I’m with the Swordfish. Spiders…ew! *shudders*
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Ruth – I’m afraid not. I did help to catch one in the house in Delaware, but only after someone had identified it! I suspect that I too would react very badly to spider bites and there are so many drugs I react to, as well … I did NOT want to find that it was a brown recluse after it had bitten me!
Yep, I’m a coward, I know.
Babs – I hope you found that the humour took the edge off the fear? I find it’s good to laugh at things that scare you.
Sarah – The shoe? How disappointing! I had this vision of Baino whacking a spider to death with rubber underwear. I was thinking Australians are stranger than I suspected! LOL!
Jeni – My grandfather’s shed was like that. It was an enormous shed, full of those wooden boxes that greengrocers use to have – and some cardboard too – just stacked haphazardly all along one side. You walked in the door into spider webs, and some of those guys were enormous! They both scared me and fascinated me as a child – but I quickly learned that all they wanted to do was get away from ME. Even the ones that fell on me.
Meleah – I hope you have someone to deal with them for you!
River Poet – Respect for all creatures – exactly. Every living thing on this planet contains a tiny spark of the divine.
EM – Why thank you! LOL!
A lot of people are with the Swordfish! And no doubt you, like the Swordfish, have qualities that complement my own.
This poor, poor man. He must exude some sort of scent that is very aromatic to spiders… The scent of Chanel Fear #5.
It’s good you and Son #1 at least took pity on him.
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That may be Jay but I’m not taking any chances.
Classic. Well done for making it into a slideshow. Took me back to my days sharing a flat with two arachnophobic girls who waited for two hours, frozen to the spot, on more than one occasion, for me to come home to remove a spider. They had to stay in the same room as it so they would know where it was.
AnneDroids last blog post..I’m going to be travelling on an illegal passport.
Jenn – Spiders are the same as cats. They recognise people who are afraid of them and make a beeline. I’m convinced of it. LOL!
Jeni – Coward!!
Anne Droid – Thank you! I enjoyed making the slideshow – I did it in Photobucket. It’s the first one I’ve ever done!
Yes, I understand the fear, and the not wanting to take their eyes off it. OH is the same. He needs to know where they are.
Yes. I do. My father… actually I have a really funny story about my father and a spider he had to kill for me.
Maybe I’ll make that a blog post? hmm…..
meleah rebeccahs last blog post..Re-Cap
and by KILL I am using THAT TERM lightly…you’ll see when the post is up! (should be ready by Friday!)
meleah rebeccahs last blog post..Re-Cap
Ha! Good for you for setting it free!
The other day I swept our front porch clean of a bunch of webs… especially a large one on the top of our mailbox. A few minutes later, guess who poked his head out from behind the mailbox, looking quite preturbed? I swear if he could, I would have gotten a great big spider “finger”….
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[...] Jay [...]
Hilarious.
And SO SO brave of you. I’m with your Other Half all the way when it comes to these creations of Satan.
J.Js last blog post..No
Meleah – Yes – do it! I look forward to it!
Maureen – Oh, that’s funny! I think I know that look! LOL!
Exit 78 – Thanks for the mention!
JJ – Why, thank you! But they’re not really creations of Satan, you know. Think how overrun with flies you’d be without them!
Oh yes, I can find humour in spider stories ;O)
Once at our local shopping center, they had a tarantula, and if you were brave enough, you could hold it, and have your photo taken. I got myself all psyched up ready and went along, only to find that they had a snake that day! I was very disappointed as I don’t fear snakes. I had the snake round my neck in no time :O)
Babs – Funnily enough, I have no desire to touch a tarantula. I’m told the hairs on them can produce quite a skin rash if the spider is frightened.
I don’t fear snakes, either. My Mum does though, and I still remember a time when I was a child – do you remember George Cansdale? We went to an ‘animal world’ presentation of his once. He had a python there, and my mother wouldn’t let me touch it. I SO wanted it draped round my neck like my brother had done! I can still remember his eyes shining as he called out ‘Look Mum!’ and her grabbing me and snatching me out of the queue! Poot!
LOL!
Haha yeh they’re big alright but easily dispatched with a flip flop!And no, whilst I’m partial to a man in a rubber suit (aka Christian Bale) I’m not quite up for the rubber undies! Oh it’s the little spiders that are dangerous, the big ones just scare the bejeesus out of you.
Bainos last blog post..The First Rule of Book Club
Baino – That’s it, ruin all my illusions! LOL! Actually, I’m rather glad you don’t wear rubber undies – imagine it, in all that heat you keep down there! ROFL!!
Are you telling me none of the big Aussie spiders are dangerous? Just the little trapdoor chappies, and the fiddleback thing? Wow … something to remember, should I ever get OH over there!
You really really want me to comment on this. I am an arachnophobic. But I was laughing my heart out while reading the post. ‘Much ado about Spider’ Ha ha ha! the slide show gave me pangs of laughter. Darn!
Twelve moves, three, no four countries and each time clutter has come with us. there is not a blank space on any furniture, especially and including the tops of wardrobes. Drawers are full to bursting as are closets and the garage…huh, the garage still has boxes full of other boxes and all the packing paraphanalia that just might, oh lord l hope not-be needed again. We have just had the taps changed on our kitchen sink and JP is keeping the old ones-just in case. Just in case WHAT? Only he knows.
My last comment on the ssspppppider didn’t come up. Must be doing this wrong.
Scratch – The best thing to do with our fears is to laugh at them! Glad to be of service! LOL!
Moannie – They’re showing up on the wrong posts, Moannie. I’ll pop over and let you know.
I wasn’t going to talk about the garage. Or the shed. Funny thing, we’re about to have our kitchen tap changed, if we can’t find a plumber to fix it. I wonder if OH will keep the old one?
[...] from the blog The Depp Effect wrote this post about a spider. A post that I could barely read because I can’t…with [...]
I am totally with O.H. on this one.
We had a massive, creepy, black fella living under the fitted kitchen units in our last house, a 2mm gap between unit base and floor. He sat for years doing the old ‘two legs poking out’ thing. Never saw him come out fortunately, but it made catching him impossible. Nothing to de done.
Eventually he came no more, so I guess he died.
Lynne – Hi, and welcome!
Yes, they’re impossible to get out from tiny gaps, aren’t they? That’s why, when we had the floorboards laid, we had the builders run a line of silicone round the bottom of the skirting board. At least that was ONE place they couldn’t hide!
I love your illustrations, by the way!
I like his special fire escape exit hahahahha
sandy ks last blog post..Germany – a baby seal peers out of his basket before being released into the straits
You are so kind to animals and bugs Jay. I really admire how you go to great lengths to take care of them or at least dispose of them. I don’t like to kill anything, but if I see a spider or a bug, fly or something, I will kill it or have it killed….only if it’s in the house.
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Hey there, came here by way of Meleah. Loved your slide show. Such an ordeal to catch a spider. To be honest, if the spider didn’t cooperate with me right away, I would have given in to my impatience and squished him.
Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Mango Salsa
Oh my goodness. Your poor OH having to live with the possibility of being bitten into a stupor at any moment
in between the Sports Section and the Classified Ads.
Heavens, how did he deal?
Very funny slideshow, Jay
Sandy K – Yes, quite a smart little spider, huh?
Valerie – It’s for my own peace of mind, too, but thanks! I fret if I have to kill something. It’s not good for me.
Employee No. 3699 – Hello and welcome! Thanks – I enjoyed making it!
I try not to squish things. And I try not to be too judgemental with people who do. LOL!
Sandy – Hi Sandy! Thanks!
Yes, as one who has been bitten by a spider recently, I would expect you to be extra sympathetic! And quite right too.
He deals quite well really. I’m happy to report that Dave, the new spider, was captured and evicted shortly after I wrote this post, so the conservatory is now a spider-free zone once more!