‘You’ve abandoned me!’

The frantic wail wafted to my ears from the office. I was puzzled, because I was still sitting exactly where I’d been when Other Half had walked out of the lounge not two minutes earlier. I waited, and after a momet, his footsteps approached.

‘You’ve abandoned me!’ came again the plaintive cry. ‘I’m heartbroken!!!’

What on earth was the man talking about?

Turned out he was talking about dolls.

I had been sitting between him and Fred and now I’d been taken off to another location with Fred, leaving Other Half alone. Well, I hadn’t … the Doll me had. And Fred isn’t really here (sadly), just the Doll Fred. Confused? Let me explain.

A very good Depp friend of mine, who goes by the name of Heathrow for reasons I won’t go into here, took it into her head one day to make little caricature dolls of her friends, based on some cartoony drawings which another friend had done. They are really quite enchanting, and somehow, despite being cartoony, they really do seem to look like us. She is very talented.

So, then she made some caricature dolls of Johnny Depp characters for her most favoured friends, of whom I am honoured to be one. Normally, Me Doll sits next to Fred Abberline Doll on my desk, but we had spent a week with OH Doll – for he had been honoured with one too. Anyway, I was asked to take some photos so I’d moved them all around, and that’s what caused OH to have a little mini-meltdown.

Oh, sod it. Go read the story of the dolls over here – Yellow Swordfish tells it so much better than I do! But don’t get excited – Heathrow doesn’t take orders.