It’s a long while since I wrote anything for the Junk Mail category.
It isn’t that we haven’t had any junk mail, it’s more that it hasn’t inspired me to write.¬† However, after seeing the huge amount of garbage on my hall stand this morning, I was inspired.
The first piece of junk mail was for our older son (who doesn’t even live here anymore) and it was from the Honda showroom where he bought his new car.¬† Now tell me something – say you go and buy yourself a brand new car, right?¬† And you drive it home all thrilled with your new possession and you drive it around for a month, and you’re still thrilled, and then a leaflet drops through your door asking you to consider buying a new car.
What is you first thought?¬† I wonder if it’s -
‘Oooh, yeah, what a great idea – I’ll pop down to the garage and pick one up right away!’
No. I didn’t think so.¬† And yet, if you buy a new car here in the UK, that’s what will happen.¬† And it’ll keep right on happening month after month until you go down to see the showroom manager and threaten to relocate your latest new car leaflet somewhere very personal.
Then, of course, there were the usual catalogues.¬† Today’s batch included L’Occitane and Orvis. Now, I do happen to use L’Occitane products, but I’m quite capable of going to their website and ordering what I need, which is what I’ve done in the past, and I don’t quite understand the thinking here.¬† I’m an internet customer and I get internet updates on their latest offers. So why waste the paper sending me a catalogue?¬† Perhaps they think I’ve thrown my computer out of the window in frustration at all the spam I get in my inbox?¬† Some of which, of course, is … um … from them.
As for Orvis, they are matronly, and I don’t do matronly.¬† Just because I’m over fifty, it doesn’t mean I have to wear floor length flannelette nighties and tweed blazers, does it? Because if it does, I might as well book myself into the nursing home, then I’ll be able to buy these things, secure in the knowledge that I’ll fit right in.¬† However, just for now, I’m sitting here in my Harley Davidson tee shirt and Gap bootcuts, wearing my little collection of dog whistle, opium coin, skull & crossbones and dagger charms on a thong around my neck, scratching my head in bewilderment at the boucl√© colour block cardigans and wrap-around calf length paisley skirts.
Okay, so … I’ve written before about my admiration for Cancer Research UK, and it’s a charity I’m happy to support, but I never, ever respond to mailshots – and what’s more, they doubled up and mailed us twice.¬† I can’t abide waste, when it comes to charities.¬† I don’t want my money to cover some beaurocratic blunder of immense proportions – because you can bet your donkey* that ours is not the only household to get two identical begging letters.¬† Oh no.¬† there will be many thousands of us.¬† Maybe hundreds of thousands.
Sue Ryder is another charity I am happy to support.¬† They provide hospice care in beautiful surroundings and we have one of their homes here in the city, and it gets high praise from medical professionals, and from the patients and their families, too.¬† This mailshot is advertising their Christmas fundraising event, ‘Lights of Love’, and although it is junk mail, I find this one perfectly acceptable.
Also acceptable is a leaflet from a new place delivering organic foods, including ready-made pies and quiches, baked goods, and dairy produce. ¬† Until now we could only order a ‘box of the week’ containing a mixture of whatever the hell they wanted to give you.¬† You paid your money and you had no choice, and I dunno about you, but I will not eat curly kale, or swedes, and they seemed to be in every single box.¬† These new people let you pick each vegetable and fruit separately, so I might even give them a try!
The leaflet advertising free singing classes is interesting.¬† It’s a community venture and I thought I might join up, because I’d love to be able to sing and I can’t – well, of course I sing in the car, doesn’t everyone?¬† No-one would want to listen, though, trust me.¬† But wait¬† … this community class isn’t in our village, and not only is it in the city itself, it’s being held right across the other side of the city!¬† It’s nowhere near my community at all!
“Three for two on our B-rated energy efficient windows”?¬† Uhhh … the quickest of quick glances at any aspect of our house would tell the least intelligent leaflet dropper that we have already replaced our windows and doors with good quality UPVC double glazed, energy efficient and high security units, so why the fuck would we want to rip those out and put new ones in?¬† Or am I missing something here?¬† D’uh!
So, another double mailing from a health insurance provider, a supermarket loyalty card enticement, and one more: an invitation to join Lovefilm.co.uk with a free 30 day trial.
I’ve been thinking about joining Lovefilm.¬† Hmm.¬† I might just¬† …
And there you have it.¬† That is the reason I keep getting junk mail in knee high drifts across my welcome mat.¬† If just one or two percent of the mailing list takes up one of these unsolicited offers, then the mailshot has worked and they’ll keep right on doing it.
So, what to do?
Cut my nose off to spite my face and ignore an offer I’d like to take, or play along and encourage the junk mail to continue?
*Or¬† ‘ass’ as the MerryCans say.