Chain letter emails. Who likes them? C’mon, hands up! Anyone?
OK, now, be honest – how many of you hate the damn things but still pass them on?
Uh-huh. I thought so.
Yesterday, I checked my email, and there, nestling among the spam and the offers to enlarge my non-existent penis, was a message of a different sort. This was even less fun than the invitations to take out life insurance, because this was one of those evil chain letter emails that play on your worst fears and warn you of the dire things in store should you be foolish enough to even think about not passing it on to everyone in your address book, plus their brothers, their second-cousins twice removed, and the postlady’s husband.
The grammar and punctuation are bad, the spacing is worse – I counted over twenty line-breaks between one line of the ‘poem’ and the next – and the general tone is threatening. It is not remotely funny or clever, as you might expect from a spoof chain letter. This is the real deal, and they’re like viruses, these things. They’re very irritating and they have a way of causing damage and infecting others.
In this one, there are three ‘true’ case histories. In the first, a young woman goes out to lunch with her boyfriend. He proposes, she accepts. Then she goes back to work, presumably walking on air and wrapped in a pink fluffy cloud of happiness. When she gets back to work, she finds an email – this very email – waiting for her, and she deletes it without following the instructions and forwarding it to the whole world and her sister. Needless to say the boyfriend gets hit by a truck and killed.
In the second, a young woman gets the email and tries to complete the instructions, but doesn’t have five email buddies to send it to, so she fails to do it right. She goes out that evening and gets killed by a hit and run driver – even though she did her best. Poor soul.
The third example is young man who reads it diligently, and forwards the email to the required number of people – and all within 45 minutes! My, what a fine young man he must be!
Anyway, shortly afterwards, this fine young man is on his way to a Very Important job interview with a Big Company, when he meets the Secret Love of his Life. She confesses to him right there on the street that she has a Secret Crush on him and three days later they get married and have three children. Quick work, huh? My, what a fine young man! I don’t know what happened about the job, but I bet he got it. Probably Managing Director by now, I shouldn’t wonder.
So, I bet you’re curious, aren’t you? I bet you want to read this poem to see what is so earth-shatteringly important that the author will resort to threats and intimidation to get his work circulated.
Are you ready?
> Around the corner I have a friend,
>
> In this great city that has no end,
> Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
> And before I know it, a year is gone.
> And I never see my old friends face,
> For life is a swift and terrible race,
> He knows
> I like him just as well,
>
>
> As in the days when I rang his bell.
>
> And he rang mine but we were younger then,
>
> And now we are busy, tired men.
>
> Tired of playing a foolish game,
> Tired of trying to make a name.
>
> ‘Tomorrow’ I say! ‘I will call on Jim
> Just to show that I’m thinking of him.’
> But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
>
> And distance between us grows and grows.
>
>
> Around the corner, yet miles away,
>
>
> ‘Here’s a telegram sir,’ ‘Jim died today.’
>
> And that’s what we get and deserve in the end.
>
> Around the corner, a vanished friend.
>
> Remember to always say what you mean.
>
> If you
> love someone, tell them.
>
> Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
>
> be too late.
>
> Seize the day. Never have regrets.
>
> And most importantly, stay close to your friends
>
> and family, for they have helped
>
> make you the person that you are today.
>
I’ve left in some of the multiple spacing, so you get an idea just how horrible this thing is, but I’ve reduced it to save your sanity.
Now, the ‘poem’ contains some good sentiments, but overall, this email is just plain nasty. There is no outright threat, but the clear implication is that if you do not forward it to a whole bunch of people without taking too long to think about what you’re doing, you are in deep shit and will probably be run over by a truck. It is spam, ladies and gentlemen, but of a particularly insidious kind, playing on people’s fears and superstitions.
As it happens, I’m going to the dentist in the next few weeks to get my mouth checked, not only for holes in my teeth, but to make sure my oral cancer hasn’t returned. I also have several friends in bad health right now, and others with serious relationship difficulties. There’s a recession looming. I have a very fragile, elderly dog, and a very fragile elderly mother who lives alone, and I’d say that most people can write a similar list, and there’s a terrible compulsion to do anything and everything short of ritual sacrifice to make sure all goes well and stays well when we have health fears and loved ones to protect.
But I would ask you all to consider whether you should be forwarding this garbage to other people who might be frightened or intimidated by it. Or would you be better just to do as I do and say ‘Fuck it’?
I can tell you one thing. If I get run over by a truck tomorrow, it won’t be anything to do with this email – unless I were so rattled that I’m thinking about it instead of concentrating on looking both ways when I cross the road.
Oh, and by the way, this thing reminds me of Jack Sparrow in a way. You know that bit in Pirates of the Caribbean where Jack’s talking to some fellow prisoners about the legend of the Black Pearl?
One of them says to Jack ‘They say it leaves no survivors!’
And Jack grins. ‘No survivors! Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?’
Do you suppose the unfortunate young ladies in those first two stories left a note?
