The Princess has been posing so prettily this month that it’s been hard to choose a picture for my virtual calendar, but I do love this one. It sums her up so beautifully!

Say cheese!

I just ate lunch. Pretty ordinary thing to do, huh? Except that it went like this:

Me, talking to me: I’m hungry - what can I have?

Me: How about potato cakes?

Me: Good idea!

Me: Oh no … they’ve got green spots on, despite being dated tomorrow!!

Me (absent-mindedly nibbling on a handful of the Food Doctor’s original seed mix): Can’t eat those, then.

Me: Nope, have to think of something else.

Me: (opening drawer to reveal secret cache of Cadbury’s chocolate buttons and stuffing some into mouth): How about cheese on toast?

Me: I’m not supposed to be eating bread, remember?

Me: (feeding a few short lengths of liquorice - found in drawer alongside chocolate buttons - into mouth): So what?

Me: Oh well, this will have to do.

*Stuffs food under grill*

A short while later …

Me: Do these sardines taste funny to you?

See, I’ve always had this problem. When I’m depressed, I eat. If the right food isn’t immediately available, I eat the wrong food and I eat plenty of it.

So you want to know the end of that sentence up there in the title? Alrighty then. Take a deep breath, it’s a long one:

‘You know you’re depressed when you refuse the chance to watch a Johnny Depp movie on the grounds that you can’t eat and watch him at the same time, and you have a date with a large bowl of triple chocolate ice cream mixed with coffee ice cream, with chocolate buttons sprinkled on top, three Cornish wafers on the side, and a hot chocolate chaser.’

Imagine my surprise the other day when I visited Baino’s Banter and found I’d been .. um, Not Tagged.

I mean, there’s this meme, right? The idea is that you follow the instructions and then tag four people - you know the kind of thing. But being an Aussie and doing everything upside down, Baino decided that she wasn’t going to put us on the spot by tagging us … and then she named four people anyway, one of which was me! Being the prim and proper, ultra-polite English lady that I am, I immediately felt I had to take on the responsibility and accept the meme. Well, it’s the way we are, you know. We queue, and everything.

So what is this meme? Well, actually it’s rather fun. What you have to do is this:

If you had to select celebrities/actors to play the parts in the story of your life today (including yourself!), who would it be and why - this can be based on looks or personality.

The Rules -

1. List the people who would play you, and the key people in your life.
2. Give credit to the person who tagged you.
3. Link your answers to the original blog, that’s here at iRamble.
4. Tag four new people to participate.

So, I have to think of an actor to play me, and also actors to play the key people in my life. This means Other Half, of course, my two sons, my mother, and perhaps even the two dogs.

I’m having a bit of a shitty week right now. Mostly it’s hormonal, I’m guessing, but there have been various upsets and disagreements and disappointments and quite honestly, I doubt I’m a lot of fun to be with. Now, who’d want to be me this week? Can I choose a male character to be me? Of course I can!

Right then. I’m going to be Crazy Mort from Secret Window. I feel schizophrenic and homicidal, and I’m just about as well-groomed as Mort, even if I’m not half as sexy (I’m working on that). But I do feel that sitting around all day in my dressing gown complaining and eating junk and being alternately childish and extremely aggressive would work quite well for me right now.

As to Other Half, well, he’d have to be Johnny Depp himself, clearly. He doesn’t actually bear much resemblance to him physically, I admit, but on the inside he’s just as lovely. Independent of mind, stubborn of nature, moral, ethical and mindful of people’s feelings … most of the time, that is, unless someone has really pissed him off, in which case it’s a big middle digit to the world. He’s talented and intelligent, too, though you’d have to torture him to get him to admit it, because he’s one of the most modest men I know. So, there you go. Obvious choice, really.

Neither of my sons fit very neatly into any Johnny Depp character that I can think of, so I’m going to have to stretch the truth a little. Yes, of course they have to be Johnny Depp characters. What were you thinking? Haven’t you seen the title of this blog?

So. No. 1 son will be Agent Sands, who you will see being very violent and bloody in this clip from Once Upon A Time in Mexico. He’s witty and sardonic and would love to be able to get hold of people who irritate him and blast them out of existence. Purely in his fantasies, naturally - I don’t want you running away with the idea that I gave birth to a homicidal maniac - but he does tend to wish out loud that he had Las Cannons fitted to his car.

No. 2 son is a very, very funny guy, who honestly doesn’t believe just how funny he is, and totally refuses even to consider a career as a stand-up comedian, despite me assuring him he’d make a million and could look after us both in our old age. So he’ll have to be sweet Sam, from Benny and Joon, who was an amazingly talented comedian who thought he was nothing special. Unlike Sam, however, No. 2 son has not been made to sleep under the sink. Ever.

My mother is probably most like Mrs Vernon-Williams in Cry Baby - she’s the well-preserved older lady in navy blue with pearls and a big hat. To all appearances she’s very prim and proper and mindful of her position in the family, and she’s not above manipulating people to get them do what she thinks would be best for them. However, there’s much more to her than meets the eye and in a tight corner, she’ll always come through for you.

The Pirate? No prizes for guessing this one - the Pirate is Captain Jack Sparrow, and always has been. He is a happy-go-lucky sort of chap, always on the make, and always wondering why the rum food is gone. He is a dyed-in-the-wool physical coward who screams blue murder if you look at him funny, yet if you corner him, he’ll accept his fate. Well, he’ll appear to. Actually, he’s keeping a very sharp eye out for the slightest opportunity to escape, and if you drop your guard, he’s gone. And he has a very funny was of running that makes him look slightly drunk.

The Princess? Let me see … she’s very beautiful and she knows it, and she’s opinionated. She loves to be the centre of attention and to be petted and praised, and she’ll yap and yap and stamp her little foot until that happens for her. Who does that remind you of? Why, yes, now that you come to mention it! Elizabeth Swann from Pirates of the Caribbean!

So, who can I Not Tag? I think I’d like to see Babs of Beetle Blog, Scratch of An Itchy Blog, Joe of Practically Wisdom, and Angi of We Sleep for Dreaming have a go at this.  And I’m adding River Poet, who has her hand up in the corner over there yelling ‘Me! Me! Pick me!’

Don’t let me put you on the spot, guys, but if you feel like joining in, that’d be great!  Oh, and don’t forget to check out the carefully chosen video links.  As I mentioned, the ‘Mexico’ one is gory, but there’s some fun stuff in the rest.

*Psst! Baino - did I do the Not Tagging thing OK?*

OH: I’ve just looked through every page of your Grazia magazine.

Me: Mmm?

OH: I think there are two and half truly beautiful women in there.

Me: Two and a half? You mean ‘half a beautiful woman’ or ‘half beautiful’?

OH: Uh … undecided. All the rest are ..

*Long pause during which many facial contortions are observed*

… scrawny. Or not very bright looking.

Me: Interesting. I shall have to go and look through it and see if I can spot which two and a half you mean.

OH: Oh, I think you will, knowing me.

*Pause*

OH: You might not spot the half, though.

Now, me, I’d have thought spotting half a woman would have been easy.