Snails. Love ‘em, or hate ‘em?
I do both, actually, which is really odd since my attitude towards slugs leans heavily towards the ‘hate’ end of the spectrum. It’s not their fault. They just make me shudder with revulsion, whereas snails are kind of cute. And slugs are just homeless snails … .
So, anyway. There I was, doing a little weeding in my tubs and patio pots, when I spied a big Helix aspersa, or common garden snail. Now, whether or not you think these things are cute, they are serious garden pests if you want to keep hostas and other ’snail salad’ plants. Or even if you just want to avoid treading on them in the dark, because, personally, I hate the sudden crunch that tells you that you’ve just killed or injured a small and slimy life-form – how about you?
Taking all this into consideration, my usual response to finding snails in my pots or hanging around my hostas is to give them a quick flying lesson. That is to say, since I won’t kill them, I relocate them in a rapid, albeit lazy, fashion to the field next door which is usually full of some type of grass or other (um, wheat). It’s a nice soft landing and while I know they’ll just crawl back to the tasty side of the hedge, it gives us both something to do. I feel as if I’m protecting my plants, and the snails? OH reckons they’re all queueing up for the free trip and inviting their friends along.
So when I saw the snail in my planter, I picked him up gently by his little house. He didn’t come willingly, but when at last I had him in my hand, this is what I saw.
You know what those are, don’t you? You know what that snail had been doing in my tub? The blob of earth sticking to him is a clue. The wretched thing was digging straight down into my compost and laying eggs! Bloody cheek!! What am I, a nursery for baby gastropods now? Is this the equivalent of having to sign your kids up to the really good schools as soon as you know you’re pregnant?
Did that snail say ‘I’m just going out for a moment, dear. We really need to sign the snailets up for those flying lessons before it’s too late. Got to keep up with the Helix pomatias, y’know!’
I’m afraid the eggs did not go flying with their parent. I considered them too young. They went swimming instead, where my fish were glad to help to prevent them sinking to the bottom by giving them a free ride.
And I can too call that snail a ‘he’. They are hermaphrodites, you know.


























